These past two, perhaps three years have accumulated into many reflections that I seem to be processing now.

None of my newer pieces have been uploaded in quite a while. I just don't 'feel' my art at the moment. I'm forced to produce pieces for grades, though I can't seem to satisfy myself with forced art.

I'm reflecting upon what I want to convey--IF I can convey it. I've been crushed and stamped by most of my professors--one so far as to state: "Your (my) painting style is not conducive to what you want to convey." Oh, I could have really slapped him. This, mind you, is two days after stating to the class that when one is asked why they paint the way they paint: ie, why they make the brushstrokes that they do, that the honest response should be because that is /how/ you paint. That you do not know why. After stating this to everyone, I am told two days later that my style is not conducive to my imagery. Quite a blow to my mentality, really.

Printmaking is about the only medium that I'm confident with at the moment--which is good considering it's my concentration? No new pieces have been uploaded since my intro to printmaking class, though two sections of printmaking were taken after that intro class, and therefore my body of work, and my technical ability, have progressed greatly. A curator is interested in receiving some jpgs of my prints, so I'm working on getting that to him.

Painting is something that enrages me, though. I love to paint. It's just a relaxing medium for me. However, I'm a terrible painter. I haven't a style that I'm comfortable in, my technical knowledge of the medium, and various application techniques is beyond poor, and so forth. At the moment, my painting style is very loose, expressive--and I'm comfortable with it. However, apparently my images are not conducive to my style.

I don't agree with that statement as expressed by my professor, however I can hardly argue with him. I don't know WHAT I want to paint. I lack any true knowledge of color theory, and there are no courses that go into it. I've resorted to looking for some books, any books, that may start to get my mind into gear when it comes to colors and emotions. I haven't a clue where to start. I have yet to find any books that would seem to get me on the right track. I've been looking at a lot of surreal and abstract works and concepts, and find myself enthralled by the works of Francis Bacon and some of the expressive qualities of Munch. I've ordered a book on Bacon, and a book from the MoMA of modern art and paintings. I'm hoping these will inspire me to think more freely.

My prior paintings were very narrative centered. However, I think I realistically fail at narratives--or I should say that I may be able to pull one off effectively if I have months to work on it. Of course, that isn't possible with college courses and a 5 painting deadline by the end of each semester. Therefore, I cannot really 'tweak' my narratives to be what my professor considers 'convincing.' Bleh, I don't want to just settle with what he tells me--after all art is subjective, and anything that isn't in a museum is just pure crap to him. However, he gives grades, which lead to loans, grants, and financial access to college, so alas I am a product of what he tells me.

I think this summer, or even the end of my painting semester, will be dedicated to more surreal and abstract concepts--perhaps a lot of automatism since I don't really know /where/ to start.

Sorry for the long journal entry. I think I needed to clear my head and put down in writing (or typing) some of the frustrations that I've been feeling.

Who knows, perhaps I'll feel inclined to photograph some of my earlier works that have yet to make it to my deviant art gallery. We shall see.